So I haven’t posted on here in awhile! So here’s some exciting news, I’m preggers lol! I’m 21 weeks and it’s a girl. Her name is going to be Lilith Antoinette (: She’ll be here in June. Above are pictures from my ultrasound when we found out she’s a girl :P
1st picture; shoes for formal Fluttershy 2nd picture; leggings for normal Fluttershy 3rd picture; wig for formal Fluttershy before styling 4th picture; front of formal Fluttershy after styling 5th picture; side of formal Fluttershy wig after styling 6th picture; wig for regular Fluttershy (pinker in person :P)
Never in my life have I been so sad and happy at the same time. I’ve always been one to cry at silly movies and shows must people don’t cry at but lately it’s been worse. I am so happy with where my life is heading and with whom I’m sharing my life with but….something is missing. Do I know who I really am? What are my dreams? What did my dreams used to be? Am I happy? I just…feel…so empty, a big part of me is missing. And if I’m honest with myself I have an idea on what it is but how do I fix it?
Growing up my mom was my EVERYTHING, she was my world. She was my mother, my best friend, my only friend, my sun, and my moon. And now…I find myself without her and sometimes it feels like she’s gone…dead. The craziest part is she’s not, for God’s sake she lives 40 minutes from me! But the last time I saw her was Christmas and before that it was last June. I used to work at Walmart as a Cashier and I would see mothers with their daughters and it took everything in me not to break down. I am missing half of who I am, without her I wouldn’t be who I am today. It hurts me so much, every day and all I think about is what I’m going to feel like the day she actually dies. When I picture it in my head it’s the end of my world. I want to do something to help her, to change her, to have a mom. That’s all I want, all I want is a mother. A mom I can see and share everything with again. I would give and/or doing ANYTHING to have her back. But I feel like I’m helpless, all I can do is sit here and watch everything slip away. Sit here and watch the only thing I’ve known my whole life disappear. I’m already loosing her, loosing what I used to have. I can’t really remember the days she was my best friend. The days I’d rather stay at home and spend the night with my mom. It feels like that was someone else’s life, maybe some movie I watched. But it doesn’t feel like it was my life, though I know it was. I still want that life, I want a mother that can be involved with my wedding. A mom who can drop everything and come see me when I need her, which is every day, something so simple most everyone takes for granted. I live every day with regret, regret that I didn’t make the most of my teenage life, regret that I didn’t make myself graduate. I just don’t wanna live with the regret that I couldn’t save my mother. Regret that I couldn’t save the one person who saved me my whole life.
My life has NEVER been easy, first it was my dad who had a substance problem but I had my mom and she was my world. She was stable, strong, and did it all by herself. Then that started to slip away, she lost her job, we lived with family, I learned that my hero, my entire world had a substance problem too. So now both my parents had a substance problem, was it something about me that made this happen? Was it somehow my fault? I know that it’s not and wasn’t but how can I not help but at least think that once? We hit rock bottom and it was scary, I’ve never told ANYONE everything about it, not even my fiancee who knows everything else there is to know about me. After that it seemed like everything was getting better, but it wasn’t nothing went back to how it was after that. Finally my dad started to get things together and while I was soooo happy and proud and still am I can’t help but think “Why can it be my mom too?”. Why can’t I have something normal for once? Two functional parents, a family, what I see all my other friend’s have. But I guess at least I had my friend’s then, Hannah who was my cousin but my best friend besides my mom and Emily. She was my rock and I loved her, I still do. Eventually I lost all that too, some my fault and some others. I don’t know where this post is leading I just feel like maybe if I write this all I’ll feel better, but I don’t know. I just feel like I’m being needy, week, vulnerable, and whiny. I just too be so okay with be the vulnerable one, but over the years I’ve changed. I don’t want ANYONE to know my weak points, I’ve learned they’ll eventually use it against you.
I think I’m done for now but there is one thing I want to say, I don’t want anyone to think I’m doing this for attention because I’m not. If I was I’d make sure everyone I knew would read this but I think that by posting it here I have the least chance of anyone I know seeing it.