Never in my life have I been so sad and happy at the same time. I’ve always been one to cry at silly movies and shows must people don’t cry at but lately it’s been worse. I am so happy with where my life is heading and with whom I’m sharing my life with but….something is missing. Do I know who I really am? What are my dreams? What did my dreams used to be? Am I happy? I just…feel…so empty, a big part of me is missing. And if I’m honest with myself I have an idea on what it is but how do I fix it?

Growing up my mom was my EVERYTHING, she was my world. She was my mother, my best friend, my only friend, my sun, and my moon. And now…I find myself without her and sometimes it feels like she’s gone…dead. The craziest part is she’s not, for God’s sake she lives 40 minutes from me! But the last time I saw her was Christmas and before that it was last June. I used to work at Walmart as a Cashier and I would see mothers with their daughters and it took everything in me not to break down. I am missing half of who I am, without her I wouldn’t be who I am today. It hurts me so much, every day and all I think about is what I’m going to feel like the day she actually dies. When I picture it in my head it’s the end of my world. I want to do something to help her, to change her, to have a mom. That’s all I want, all I want is a mother. A mom I can see and share everything with again. I would give and/or doing ANYTHING to have her back. But I feel like I’m helpless, all I can do is sit here and watch everything slip away. Sit here and watch the only thing I’ve known my whole life disappear. I’m already loosing her, loosing what I used to have. I can’t really remember the days she was my best friend. The days I’d rather stay at home and spend the night with my mom. It feels like that was someone else’s life, maybe some movie I watched. But it doesn’t feel like it was my life, though I know it was. I still want that life, I want a mother that can be involved with my wedding. A mom who can drop everything and come see me when I need her, which is every day, something so simple most everyone takes for granted. I live every day with regret, regret that I didn’t make the most of my teenage life, regret that I didn’t make myself graduate. I just don’t wanna live with the regret that I couldn’t save my mother. Regret that I couldn’t save the one person who saved me my whole life.

My life has NEVER been easy, first it was my dad who had a substance problem but I had my mom and she was my world. She was stable, strong, and did it all by herself. Then that started to slip away, she lost her job, we lived with family, I learned that my hero, my entire world had a substance problem too. So now both my parents had a substance problem, was it something about me that made this happen? Was it somehow my fault? I know that it’s not and wasn’t but how can I not help but at least think that once? We hit rock bottom and it was scary, I’ve never told ANYONE everything about it, not even my fiancee who knows everything else there is to know about me. After that it seemed like everything was getting better, but it wasn’t nothing went back to how it was after that. Finally my dad started to get things together and while I was soooo happy and proud and still am I can’t help but think “Why can it be my mom too?”. Why can’t I have something normal for once? Two functional parents, a family, what I see all my other friend’s have. But I guess at least I had my friend’s then, Hannah who was my cousin but my best friend besides my mom and Emily. She was my rock and I loved her, I still do. Eventually I lost all that too, some my fault and some others. I don’t know where this post is leading I just feel like maybe if I write this all I’ll feel better, but I don’t know. I just feel like I’m being needy, week, vulnerable, and whiny. I just too be so okay with be the vulnerable one, but over the years I’ve changed. I don’t want ANYONE to know my weak points, I’ve learned they’ll eventually use it against you.

I think I’m done for now but there is one thing I want to say, I don’t want anyone to think I’m doing this for attention because I’m not. If I was I’d make sure everyone I knew would read this but I think that by posting it here I have the least chance of anyone I know seeing it. 

I honestly can’t stand people who say “It’s just a fact that this Doctor is better then this other Doctor” because you can’t say that. When it comes down to it it’s all about personal opinion. I love all the Doctors, but Matt Smith is and always will be my favorite. In my opinion he is the best Doctor, his funny and childish personality fits my likes. I feel in love with him, to me HE is The Doctor. End of story for me, if you love the 10th and think he’s the best awesome. I don’t care, you have your reasons and that’s all that matters (: So let’s just let it all go, sit back, and enjoy us some Doctor Who!

Haven’t been on here forever! But now I’m here to say everyone should donate to my “Help Melissa and Nick get married fund.” Really it’d mean so much! We’ve been struggling for 2+ years to come up with the funds for this. We mean the world to each other. I’ve even made a paypal for it and if I get enough donations I’ll make videos of the whole wedding planning and wedding day process C:

Rules:
1. Sleeping arrangement- It’s first come first serve, me and Nyche will most likely get first dibs on beds lol :), we will be sleeping in the little private room. Who sleeps with who and all that jazz is up to you guys. We are not your babysitters, lol so be adults.

2. NO DRAMA!- This is possibly THE most important rule we have. With every con there seems to be an endless amount of drama. But we personally hate drama and try to stay away from it was much as possible. If you are caught starting unneeded drama you will be kicked out of the room NO REFUND! Sorry but it has to be strict to prevent people from starting drama ^.^

3.No Stealing- This should go without saying but we all know that is untrue. We had a problem with our first room share where someone was stealing people’s money and what not. If you are caught stealing it will NOT BE TOLERATED, you will be immediately kicked out of the room with NO REFUND.

4. No smoking in the room- This includes cigarettes or any form of drug. The room we have is non-smoking there for there is to be no smoking in the room. We don’t care if you do smoke just please go outside. As for smoking/doing drugs we obviously can not stop you from going elsewhere without our knowledge and doing it but if you are caught in the room you will be kicked out with NO REFUND.

5. Bringing non-roommates into the room- As long as none else rooming with us minds it’s fine. But just be sure to keep an eye on the person you are bringing in as you are responsible for them. Also please be considerate and don’t bring people in at 4 am being all loud when everyone is trying to sleep.

6. You are responsible for you own things- Pretty much explains itself. Keep an eye on your stuff and keep anything valuable with you. As much as we try and make sure everyone is trust worthy that is a very hard thing to do.

7. Room Keys- Ask before the con if you would like one. The first one is free any after that are 5$.

8. Fridges- As we are going to have alcohol the fridges will be a first come first serve basis. So we will probably end up using most of the space, SORRY! You can always try bringing a cooler :3

9. FOOD- Do not touch any food, drink, or alcohol that does not belong to you. Most people are not spending money on food just to give it away. It is the same thing as stealing if you eat someone’s food without permission.

10. NO DRUGS- As we are liable for all that goes on in the room there will be no drugs allowed. If you are caught with them it will not be tolerated and you will be kicked out of the room, with NO REFUND and the police maybe notified.

11. Check out time!- Everyone is to be out of the room AT LEAST an hour before the check out time for the room. This way we will be able to make sure the room is decent and in order before we leave.

12. NO REFUNDS- If you drop out less than 4 weeks before the con and have already paid you WILL NOT receive a refund. You make a commitment when you pay ahead of time, it is your job to find someone to take your spot or you will receive no refund what so ever.

Other than that have fun, make friends, and let this con be one to remember!

I have been thinking about myself a lot lately, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I am one freaking amazing person. And for anyone that knows me that is something extremely hard for me to believe. But I have been thinking about my “good qualities” and I am starting to find I have a lot to be proud of.

I am one of the most caring people I have ever known; When I see someone talk down about themselves, whether it be true or not, I feel terrible and want to make them see the good no matter what it takes.
I’m super creative; I can come up with a creative idea for just about anything.
I’ll do little stupid things just to see the people I love happy; what makes me truly happy is to see them smile.
When I set my mind to it I can get anything done; no matter what it is. If I truly want it I will have it.
I will NEVER give up on any person no matter what; I know that every person in this world is important and I feel they all have good in them. It just takes “us” to help them see it and bring it out. How do we expect to have “world peace” and a better nation when we give up on people so easily?
I get attached so easily sometimes it’s not even funny; while most people view that as a bad thing I don’t. It means I can see someone suffering and care so much and try everything in my power to help. It’s a quality very few seem to have any more. And it means I still have a heart.
I am one of the most passionate people I know; when I feel something I feel it stronger then most and that in turn makes me fight with all my being for what I want or feel is right.
I love animals; I know a lot of people say this but I truly mean it. I love my three cats like they are my children. Most people don’t understand how you can have that connection with them. They can’t share you excitement, they can’t talk back, they can’t love you the way you love them, they’re lesser then us, they don’t understand you, etc. But all those things are so false, I can hardly begin to explain. They can do all those things and more, but it’s not something you can understand by reading about it. It’s something you have to experience first hand. And to think they are lesser then us is a terrible mistake. We as humans do some of the most terrible things but look at how the animals live. Yes they kill each other but for survival, for food. They don’t do it for the reasons so many humans have. They are the most loyal creatures on this planet, they will love you no matter what. I had a dog for 2 years or so and he loved me more then anything. I was his entire world, well at one point we moved and I have to give him away. But my dad said he’d take him so I could still see him, to this day (it’s been probably about 3 years since my dad took him) he STILL remembers me and loves me. Even my dad notices that he doesn’t get excited to see anyone like he does for me. Not even my dad, whom is now his whole world. I would like to see most humans do that for someone that is not family.
I don’t believe I can truly hate someone; there have been plenty of people I’ve said “I hate” but I would never truly wish anything bad on them. I may get angry with someone but I always forgive.
I am a very forgiving person; I have no room to judge when someone doesn’t deserve forgiveness. I myself have done some terrible things, things I wish I could take back so badly. So who am I to say what you’ve done is too terrible to deserve forgiveness?
I do my very best not to judge; sometimes I can be quick to judge in my head but the second I catch myself I take it back. I, as an over weight girl, have been judged so much in my life that I know it hurts. I do my absolute best to not judge anyone, it’s not my right to judge.

Through learning all of those things about myself I am starting to see what an absolutely beautiful person I am, inside and out. And to anyone reading this you are absolutely gorgeous as well. You have so many things that are amazing and that make you so perfect. It’s high time we start to see these things and to see our worth. It doesn’t matter if we are fat, “ugly”, weird, or ANYTHING we are AMAZING. We can NEVER be replaced, and one day there will be someone who sees your worth too. So don’t settle for anyone or anything. It’s taken me 19 years to even start to understand this all I can do now is make others see it as well.

Whoever is currently reading this; I love you, you’re perfect, and stunningly beautiful. You matter, you matter so much more then you’ll probably EVER understand. But that’s ok, as long as you know you matter. Own who you are, it’s what makes you perfect<3